The new me

Posted: November 3, 2010 in growing stronger

Well this is my first ever blog so I do apologise if it’s rather boring. As the title suggests I am trying to change my life and I guess starting up a blog is part of this.

Writing seems to be something that has became more involved in my life in just the last few months. Having written a book I felt that I needed to continue writing but another book is probably not the right answer so I have decided to create a blog.

I guess in these past few months my life really has changed quite a bit having left the place I was most comfortable in (school) I have ventured out and tried to change around my whole life. Being on my own has been the tough part of it all but I am slowly but surely getting there. Having started at college I am starting to look forward and think more about a career. Although I don’t actually know just what I want to do just yet.

Although I have been thinking of the future these past few months, I have also been thinking a bit about the past. This past couple of weeks quite a number of things have been brought up and have made me think about the sort of person I used to be.

I have done some stupid things in the past that I’m not proud of and I have been reflecting on just why I did some of these things. I have also been thinking about why I am so withheld when it comes to emotions and I have came to some sort of realisation as to why this may be.

When I was young I had a number of things that made me change into a horrible person and I’m certainly not proud of this. I gained a reputation that I am happy to say I have well and truly left behind. This was my way of showing my emotion and unfortunately complicated my relationships with adults that were meant to be there to help me. I remember being in primary school and being in a real dark place and my teacher finding out that I had tried to take my life, she couldn’t care less. I guess my fear of being let down stems from there. I lost trust in all adults that were there to support me. How could someone just leave me when I tried to escape from the world? Was I really that bad that no one cared.

I guess that many of the reasons that I don’t share personal information with people does come from there. I have lost trust in 90% of adults and I don’t feel that they even care the slightest about how you feel and that if you did just die tomorrow you would only be a name to them. I believe that many people who are paid to support others don’t actually care about the person, you are just another name on a piece of paper that they can file away in a while and forget about you all together. I’m not saying I blame them for what I have done to myself but I do think my lack of trust and lack of ability to speak about emotions is sort of their fault.

So that’s a bit about what has been going on this last few weeks. Also that is my rant over for now :).

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