Through the hard times :'(

Posted: November 22, 2010 in tough times

My life has never been plain sailing and straight forward, I’ve always had things going that i needed to cope with that would bring me down. These last few months I have been working on forgetting some things from the past and moving on with my life although there are still things there that are bringing me down. Today for instance hasn’t been the easiest of days, I started work at 7am and from there it just went down hill.

I’ve been having problems at work for a wee while but I have just been keeping it all locked up inside. I am the sort of person that just allows people to do what they please around me and not say anything to them. Little things have been niggling at me for a wee while and every time another one happens I just keep it locked up inside and don’t do anything about it. If it was just one thing that had happened I would have moved on from it and just forgotten about it but today it got the better of me due to the fact that I had been putting up with this for some amount of time. When you go to work you expect to be treated with the respect that you give to others but this is not always the case. I am the sort of person that will do anything for anyone and sometimes this goes against me. Allowing myself just to say yes has definitely went against me this time. I feel that because I am a younger member of the staff team that people feel they can just treat me like a piece of dirt. Some things I have been putting up with are being sworn at when I ask for assistance and getting in trouble for trying to actually do my job with asking anyone else to do it for me. these are just a few examples of what I have been putting up with. Today I had just had enough with it and I broke down. I am not the sort of person that cries in front of everyone but today I couldn’t hold the tears back, I let everything out and by the time I had told everything to so many people I think I had no energy left in me to cry anymore. This was a massive thing for me, in a sense it was an achievement, I had found an outlet that I had never thought would be the one for me.

I have never really been someone for showing how I feel but today I just couldn’t help myself it just came flowing out of me and to be fair I feel so much better for it. I can’t say that crying is my new coping strategy but it was the only thing to let everything out at work.

In the past there have been situations where I didn’t have a clue as to what to do to cope with them and I found my outlet again, (self harm), sometimes I wish I could just cry and let it all out. I remember being told by my guidance teacher at school that if I just let my guard down more and cried , I would find things easier to deal with. was she right? I’m not really sure whether I think it’s a good thing for me or not. There have been time in the past when I have been in situations where I would love just to have been able to cry and show people just how I was feeling. Maybe as I’m getting older and maturing a bit more I will start to find it easier to cry and show my feelings, then again I may not.

I remember a major hard time in my life where not being able to cry caused me some major grief. It was in 2002
when my dad passed away. I remember the day it happened like it was yesterday. The actual day it happened I didn’t really know just how to react to it. I didn’t know whether I felt sad, angry or confused. The weeks after was when the trouble began, people thought I was weird because I didn’t cry about my dad not being here anymore. One person called me “heartless”, how could someone say that to me. I wasn’t heartless I just didn’t show anyone how I was feeling and at that time I thought crying meant i was weak and weak wasn’t how my dad had brought me up be to be. He had brought me up to be strong and this was what I thought I was doing. Looking back now it wasn’t the right thing to do as not showing how I was feeling was the wrong thing to do. It made me feel miserable years after it happened. It was something that had held me back for some time. It was a very touchy subject and when people mentioned anything about it I would react in crazy ways. It took me years to actually talk about it and express just how much pain it caused me. Not only did it take me a long time to talk about it but it took me some amount of time to really get my head round what had happened and start to move on from where it was holding me.

One thing that really annoys me and probably wouldn’t if i hadn’t had to suffer through the hard times is when people say horrible things about their parents. Don’t get me wrong I argue with my mum like any normal teenager but you don’t realize just how much your parents mean to you until they are gone. My dad was not only my main parent he was my best friend and the only person who fully understood me. This may have been one of the hardest things I have had to deal with but it made a stronger person. My dad may not be here with me but everyday he is beside me leading me through life and shaping my life for me. 🙂

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Comments
  1. jane says:

    Hey Hayley – I think you are being really honest and this oculd help other young folk who are going through similar stuff. Its good that you talk about your dad (and your mum for that matter) It;s good that you’re finding an outlet for all this! Its good to share x

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