Moving on

Posted: December 6, 2010 in growing stronger

So I have some big things happening at the moment. Almost at the end of my first block at college and cant wait to go on to the second block to do more photography based stuff. I am now free of all supports that I had and feel free. My life is really moving on and for the better. I have a major opportunity this week as I am going to be involved in an event to get information out about child abuse both physical and sexual. This is a major thing for me as having faced both and concealing my true feelings for years I am now going to stand in front of hundreds of people and tell them exactly what its like.

It’s a major opportunity I felt could not be missed. I guess this is the outlet I have been looking for, for all these years. Not only am I going to reveal some of my deepest darkest secrets about it I am going to tell everything about it from the emotional rollercoaster it caused me to the way it messed me up. I will also speak about what it feels like not only when it happens but after it as well. The abuse is only part of what harms the child, the emotional side of things is often forgotten about. When you see adverts on tv for charities that try to stamp out child abuse you never hear about how the child feels only ever about the abuse stopping. To be fair the easiest part of the getting better process is being taken away from the situation and the abuse being stopped. What happens after this is the main thing that people forget about. A child who has been abused whether it be physically of sexually has emotional scars from the traumatic time as well as the physical scars that people may see.

Having been through many years of suffering with my emotional scars I am now at a point of where I want to get the message out there that it’s not alright, people need to do something and the children that have been affected by abuse need to be helped to a better place. When I had to suffer I did it alone and I had no one to help me, it was just me and the pain. Sometimes I would spend days locked in my room scared to go out of the house because i thought it would happen again and again. Physical abuse was something that happened to me over a period of time, it was something at the time that I though was okay and I never said anything about it. Now being older and having been through sexual abuse too it’s not okay, it never will be okay. What right does a fully grown adult have to abuse a small venerable child? My answer to this question is no right at all.

Being one of the unfortunate kids that had to go through abuse I know exactly what it feels like. From the abuse its self to the emotional scars it leaves. This week at this event I hope that I can use my experience and knowledge of the subject to help at least one person that hears my story. Sitting writing this is something I never thought I would do. I never wanted anyone to know my secret, I felt ashamed and I blamed myself for a long time. I know now that it wasn’t my fault and in fact its none of the children’s faults, it’s the adults who think its acceptable that are to blame.

Not only am I going to share my experience but I am going to be singing at the event and sharing a song that has helped me deal with a lot of the down times through my life. People often ask me how such a depressing song can help, but it does, the meaning behind it means so much to me and the lyrics are something I can relate to on so many levels.

The song I am talking about it is Concrete Angle by Martina McBride, this song has so much in it that I can look at and say that’s how I was feeling. I want to share the lyrics and help you understand what I am on about.

She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she’s holding back
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace, oh

The teacher wonders but she doesn’t ask
It’s hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can’t rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she’s loved concrete angel

Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear but they turn out the light
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it will be too late

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can’t rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she’s loved concrete angel

A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can’t rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she’s loved concrete angel

This song has really helped me get through a lot. It makes me know that I am lucky as not every child who has suffered abuse can come out the other side, some of them are unfortunate and often end up dead. I feel so sorry for these children but sometimes I do wonder if it is a better thing at least you don’t have to suffer the emotional pain for the rest of your life.

There are certain lyrics that stand out more that others, for example, She walks to school with the lunch she packed Nobody knows what she’s holding back, this part of the song really is something I can relate to. No one really did ever know what was going on and I did hold it all in. Another bit that stands out for me is Sometimes she wishes she was never born. I have often thought about the fact that if I wasn’t born then I would have suffered a lot of what I have. I have also tried on several occasions to take my self out of the current situation and thought that life would be so much easier for so many people if I wasn’t around. I am now glad that I was not successful in this and I now feel stronger and I am looking forward to living a good life.

So yeah that’s basically what I am up to now and thought I would share it with you as I needed to see how easy it would be for me to share some of this information. 🙂


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