A new year, a new start.

Posted: January 12, 2011 in growing stronger, self help

A new year, a new start. The amount of times I have seen
this in the last week or so is unreal. Do people really think just
because a new year has began that things will be different and that
their lives are going to be totally different? Well coming from a
personal point of view I don’t think it’s that simple. It takes
time for any person to make a drastic change in their life and you
constantly work at it. It’s not just a over night process. Don’t
get me wrong I often wish it was just an overnight thing and that
it wasn’t so hard to do but realistically this ain’t possible.

I haven’t blogged for a wee while as i have been so busy and haven’t
really had the time to Sit and write anything but I have the time
now so I am going to share a bit of what’s been going on in the
last few weeks. Good and bad. Let’s start off with a positive I
have now been given a permanent contract at work and this is good
as means that I don’t have to go look for a new job which I would
have been doing this week and that would be a pain as I know how
hard it is to find a job at this time of year. Unfortuanetly work
hasn’t been going too smoothly lately and I have been finding
myself not wanting to be there. Don’t get me wrong I have never
thought it was the best job but it’s been too bad and pays alright.
Been thinking about ways to solve my issue but yet to find the right
solution. Hopefully one will come along soon.

I guess this next thing is a positive too. After doing the child abuse campaign show
I now really want to move on and help a load more people. I really
want to focus on the subject of self harm and you can probably
gather from my other blogs that this a passionate subject for me. I
don’t think that people understand how much of your life it
controls and just what lack of knowledge people have about it.
Maybe people who use self harm as a coping mechanism are of
secenary school age and need all the support they can get. Being a
teenager in itself is hard enough, trying to keep up with the
latest trends or having the peer presure from your friends and
family. But being a teenager who self harms brings so many more
problems with it. Self harm ain’t something that just goes away
over night as you get older it’s always there but it’s something
that you learn to deal with as you get older. I guess when I first
started to self harm I didn’t fit into what you would say was the
group of people that everyone though were the sort of people to do
it. First of all I wasn’t a teenager, I was just a vulnerable 8
year old girl that didn’t know how to deal with her emotions and
stumbled across self harm in a weird way. You may be asking
yourself how you can just stumble across self harm but it’s easier
than it seems really.

I guess if i explain my story a bit more you may understand. It all started when my dad passed away, I was
confused and didn’t have a clue about what was the right way to
deal with everything that was going on in my head. I was having
trouble at school and my whole life began to turn upside down. I
kept all my feelings locked up inside and they soon got the better
of me. I started to feel like I didn’t want to live this life
anymore and decided I was going to do something about it. Although
it may sound like I was about to turn my life around and become a
new person this was the last thing on my mind. I wanted out, I had
to find a way to get away from all the upset and pain I was in. I
decided it was time one day when I was in school. The day started
off just like any other and I went to school got into my class,
started to misbehave and was thrown out of my class. This was a
normal thing for me, it happened almost everyday.

When sat in the corridor i got thinking and I made my plan. Without asking for
permission I went to the toilet, I knew that the door posts of the
toilets were quite high and that they were quite easily accessible.
I clambered up onto one and tied my school tie around it, then I
made a loop big enough to put over my head. Slowly manoeuvring
myself into the loop I began to let myself fall. I had done it I
had managed to get myself hanging from the door frame and knew that
after a certain time I would eventually stop breathing and die.
Obviously this didn’t work as I wouldn’t be sat here writing this.
The one bit of the plan i hadn’t thought through was the part where
someone would notice I was gone and send someone looking for me.

My teacher soon noticed and sent my friend to find me, of course my
friend knew where I would be as it was my hang out when I was
annoyed or upset. When she walked into the toilets she saw me and
screamed, she then ran back to class to get help and when she told
our teacher she was told to stop telling lies and just get me back
to class, clearly my teacher cared about me.

Luckily the classroom assistant that was in with us that day did care about me and came
with my friend to find me. They soon cut my tie and got me down but
I had been there for a while and was unconscious. When I came
around I was in the nurses office and had several people around me
including paramedics who came to take me to hospital. You are
probably thinking how this leads to self harm but I will tell you
now. The tie was so tight to my neck that it actually cut it and I
felt a calming effect when i put my hand to my neck and felt the
blood. So that’s how it all started from something going wrong I
found a way to deal with things.

Unfortunately I was still very deep and never shared anything with anyone. With the teacher I had
at the time this was no surprise. It took me over 6 years to tell
someone about my self harm and I really want to get the right sort
of support in schools so that someone else doesn’t have to suffer
in silence for as long as I did. If my teacher had know what to say
or do maybe I wouldn’t of had to go through some of what I did but
she never and that’s all in the past.

I just want to focus on the future now and making more people aware and helping teaching staff
especially about just what they can to help. For example don’t just
keep it to themselves they need to talk to the pupil and see if
there is anyway they can help. I have a prime example of this, when
I was in 6th year at school I peer tutored in a 2nd year English
class and there was a girl who I often worked with and gave extra
support to. Maybe fait had a bit to do with this story as when I
first started giving her extra support i didn’t know she was a self
harmer and neither did any of the teachers. I remember the day I
found out, I was just doing what I did every other time I was in
the class and I began to help this girl just like any other time
before but she had on a different shirt to usual and her sleeves
were a wee bit shorter and I could see some scratches on her wrist.
Anyone else having seen them probably wouldn’t of thought anything
of it but I knew straight away what they were from.

I didn’t confront the girl that day as I didn’t feel we were in the right place, but
I did however speak to the teacher and she told me that she had
noticed them but thought that they were from the girl falling over.
This made me realise even more just how little people knew. I
couldn’t work it out how she could have even thought of the falling
over thing as the cuts were in a neat layout and were all roughly
the same size. I knew from what I had seen it was just the
beginning of the self harm as the cuts weren’t deep and there was
just a few line so I knew I had to act fast before it became any
worse. I spoke to the girls guidance teacher and she agreed that it
would be better if I spoke to the girl instead of a member of staff
and so that week instead of her going into her PSE class she came
to another room and spoke to me.

This continued for several weeks and I’m glad to say that I still have regular contact with her and
she is free from self harm and didn’t in fact self harm again after
our first chat. This is something I want staff in schools to
achieve on their own. I no longer can give my time to go and speak
to individuals although I wish I could. So that’s why i am so
passionate about getting my message across. I know I’ve rambled on
a bit about all of this but it’s something that I have been
thinking a lot about lately and I thought I needed to share.

Another thing that’s been going on lately is me getting ever so
close to my transition of getting better. I’ve been working close
by with a young girl who pretty much reminds me of myself when I
was her age. She is confused about where he life is going and she
just needed a wee shove in the right direction from someone who had
faced it before. I’m actually proud of the progress she has made
and although im there for her when ever she needs me she has done a
lot of the work on her own. That’s another thing we have in common
I have people I can turn too when I really need to, but I wouldn’t
have got this far without working hard on my own. Well I think I
have rambled on enough for this blog, but I will leave you with one
last thought.

Is there someone else out there that you know is screaming for help but you just don’t know how to give them what
they need. Well what I have to say to you is just comfort them, let
them know they are not the only one and that someone really cares
for them. If the push comes to shove and you really are stuck pass
them on to me and I will help as much as I can. So I will leave you
there with all these thoughts and let you medel over them for a wee
while. Hopefully won’t be as long until the next blog. 🙂 bye for


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s