In loving memory

Posted: February 13, 2011 in tough times

So today has been a tough day. It was the 9th anniversary to my dads death. Although this was a sad day it gave me time to remember just how much my dad meant to me and how much I miss him. I have spent most of today just remembering the good things and trying to see the positive things. Unfortunately looking back always brings back some upsetting feelings and makes it that little bit harder to deal with.

In the past years I have had different ways of dealing with this particular day and not always good ways. I have often hid myself away from everyone and spent a whole day locked in my room. I have even been in school and taken myself out of classes and harmed myself because I wasn’t sure how I was going to deal with the emotions otherwise. Last year I went out with my social worker and we let a balloon go and spent a bit of time together just talking about my dad, but this year I decided I was going to do something differently and I tried to just get on with the day as if it was just any other. Although I knew it was the day I got up and tried to focus my mind on positive things. So I got up, went to work, came home, went out with a friend and now I’m sitting just spending a bit of time thinking about my dad.

I wanted to go to do something to mark the day but the weather was against me so I’m going to do it tomorrow as long as the weather is okay. Not really sure what my dad would want me to do on this day but I need to find what works for me and allows me to get through it without falling off my path to getting better.

My dad was my best friend and I miss him everyday, it never seems to get easier. The older I get the more I seem to think about him. I think about all sorts of things, from him not being there to see me getting married to giving me into trouble for having too much to drink on a night out. I guess if you have your parents you don’t really think about the simple things they do for you but the minute they are gone It’s like you are missing out on a whole lot of things. I miss coming home to my dads cooked meals. Or the sound of his voice waking me up in the morning, even him grounding me for something daft I had done. I guess if you have both your parents you take these for granted. One thing that annoys me is when people put down their parents, they don’t understand just how much your parents mean. They day they leave you is the day that your life falls apart and you have to find a new way of doing things. When my dad passed I had to break my whole routine. From the time i got up for school to where I went when my mum was working.

Often I hear stories about my dad and it’s nice but I’m never going to be able to tell my kids stories of what their granda used to get up to as I have none. I was 8 when he passed and I barely remember much of what he did. I know that he was a joker and the life of a good party. I also remember that he lived for his kids and never stopped talking about them. I wish sometimes I could just pick up the phone and hear his voice but this isn’t possible.

It’s my 18th birthday in a few days and my dad ain’t here in person to share it with me but I know that he will be with me in spirit. I love him now just as much as I did when he was still alive. Even though he ain’t here in person he is still my best friend. I will forever be a daddys girl. R.I.P Dad.

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