reflection

Posted: March 19, 2011 in growing stronger, tough times

So today is my dad’s birthday and although he is no longer with me he I’ve done nothing but think about him all day. In the last few years I have spent the day being down but this year i tried something different. I got up and tried staying possitive and although I have felt down a little today I have deffinately managed things better than in the past. I didn’t harm my self and I didn’t lock my self away from the world.

Last night I was out with a friend and we were talking about how it would be my dad’s birthday today and also just how far i’ve come with my life. Even though it was tough for me to talk about some of the things it was nice to reflect a little. We were talking about times when i would do stupid things and what a dark place i used to be in. luckily i have came so far from there that i don’ t really think about it as much any more. I used to wake up in the morning dreading the day ahead as it meant i had to live another day. I really wanted out of my life and i wanted to be able to just feel better. I know that i had several failed attempts at taking my own life but it was something that was constantly on my mind. Looking back now my dad would have been so dissapointed wih me if i had continued down that path and thrown my life away. Luckily i have moved away from that and i am now at apoint in my life where i am glad that i didn’t managed to pull off what i had tried. Hopefully my life can only get better and i will think about these things less and manage to control my thoughts a little better.

Something else thats been playing on my mind a lot lately. Ive been thinking about my grandma and when she passed away. I was in a really dark place and not that long before my grandma passed away I tried taking my own life. Every day I think about it. it plays on my mind all the time. I used to visit my grandma on a regular basis and when i got into the dark place i stopped and just a couple of weeks after i got out of hospital after trying to take my life my grandma passed away. I blame myself a lot of the time for what happened and i really let it get me down. I know that i shouldn’t blame myself but i just can’t help it. Maybe if i had been in a better state of mind i could have been with my grandma more and spent some quality time with her before she passed. But i was so messed up that it was the last thing on my mind and i feel so bad about it. I really regret some of the things i have done but i can only live for the future now and make sure that i stay close to those that mean the world to me.

So that’s basically all that’s been playing on my mind these last few days.

Bye for now 🙂

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