mix up

Posted: March 24, 2011 in tough times

Okay so I’ve got a lot going on in my head just now and for that reason that’s why my title is mix up as im very mixed up about several things. So I have talked about several things on her before but I have never really went into depth about anything in particular. In this blog I want to try to talk about something that is very difficult for me and although I have touched on it before I have never openly talked about it. The thing I want to talk about today is the sexual abuse I suffered a few years ago.

For me this is a massive thing and I never thought I would publicly speak about the abuse I suffered but as the days go by I feel a stronger need to get some of the stuff off of my chest. I’ve been having a bit of difficulty lately trying to control my feelings about it and I am beginning to crack and my outer shell is no longer protecting me. Today I was in a situation where I ended up talking about it and not even in any detail but I ended up crying and I felt like I was sharing too much information and that I had let some of my secret out. I don’t think it was a bad thing but I still wasn’t very comfortable with the whole thing.

It’s been several years since it happened but ever since the day I have had issues with certain things and this sometimes causes me trouble. I have a real issue with personal contact and I literally freak out when guys touch me. I also have issues with being in awkward situations with guys who remind me of him. I know that to some people they may think this is weird but it is now part of my everyday life.

The abuse I faced was something that really messed me up. My head was all over the place and I started doing things that were difficult for people to understand. I started dressing differently and making sure that I covered every part of my body. When I was out of the house, even with a massive group of people I constantly looked over my shoulder to make sure no one was there. This was something that I did without really thinking.

Everyday I am reminded about the abuse by simple things, like when I’m at college I see his daughter and everything comes flooding back. Also there are several things that bring back all the memories, if I hear someone say something he said or if I smell a smell that was there, sometimes I even get really scared when I see people who even just slightly resemble him.

I can remember every little detail and some of these things scare me. When in the dark and dingy room in his house there was so many things that I now see and make freak out. I remember the horrible damp smell his house had and I constantly ask myself why I stayed there. I guess the only reason I stayed is because I was making sure my friends were safe. They were all under the influence of alcohol and I was the only one who hadn’t touched any.

Most of my friends had left and there was only me and one other girl left. She was really drunk and I couldn’t leave her. I was sat in this horrible little room and she was sound of sleep on the bed. He disappeared and then all of a sudden he was asking me to come through and help him with something. I stupidly went and that’s when it all happened. It was some time before I managed to break free and then I had to try to get out of the room. I was in so much pain and I was crying not only had he assaulted me had taken away something that I would never be able to regain. He was a horrible man and had managed to hurt me both physically and sexually.

I left the room and grabbed my friend. I threw her over my shoulder and tried to get away from that place as fast as I could. Trying to explain to a drunk person what had happened and I was so scared that she was going to tell everyone. I dropped her off at her grandmas house and I made her promise that she wouldn’t tell anyone. Unfortunately her grandma smelt the drink off of her and made her spill. The police were called and I had to tell them everything.

I know that a lot of the issues I have had in the past and the ones I still have now are all related to this and it really has messed me up. I hate some of the things that I do but there aint much I can do about it now. I need to try to deal with this and move on but its a lot easier said than done. I have a really long way to go and it will take time but I must not let this break me. I know that the cracks are starting to show and that I am really finding it difficult to cope with now but if I want to live my life to the full I need to find the right support for me and get better.

So yeah I am feeling pretty crap just now and I really need to move on and get over this hurdle but it will take some time and determination.

Bye for now.

  1. Luanne Gibbons says:

    By writing this Hayley, you are dealing with it. Well done. You have taken another step. By getting it out and not keeping it locked away is the major step. Well done you. 🙂

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