Over the past year…

Posted: April 8, 2011 in growing stronger

Well as you can probably gather from the title this blog is about my life over the past year. I guess the best place to start would be where I was this time last year.

This time last year I was a mess. I was still at school and was about go go off on study leave. I was very confused about where my life was going and just how I was going to cope all on my own. Your maybe wondering what I mean by coping all on my own but this time last year I was struggling quite a lot and had many supports around that I could turn to when things were tough. I had my social worker, ypd worker, guidance teacher and the school nurse. I also had several teachers in school that I could turn to if no one else was available. When it was almost time for me to leave school and it meant I would lose the support of my guidance teacher and school nurse, my social worker told me that she was pregnant and that she would be going off on maternity leave at the same time as I would leave school and decided that putting me to another social worker wouldn’t of been a good idea for me. This left me with only one support. How could I cope with only one after having at least four? I had a big meeting with all my supports together just before I was away to break off for study leave. This was to help me deal with things and reassure me about coping on my own. I thought it was a good thing but what they thought it would do it didn’t, it did the complete opposite it made me feel a whole lot more scared about the weeks to come. It was agreed that I would still have constant contact with my ypd worker and that she would be there for me until I had got through my exams and settled into wherever I would be after the holidays.

As things seemed to look up slightly and I was preparing myself for the big change I had an appointment with my ypd worker and she decided that she didn’t think I needed the sessions anymore and told me that this would be the last one. So as I began to sit my exams I felt more alone than I had ever before. My head was all over the place and it was time to sit my exams, this wasn’t a good thing. The day before my first exam I had a break down I knew that this was it there was no turning back and my life had to move on but I didn’t feel ready.

It was time to enter the hall for my first exam and I remember panicking and I couldn’t remember anything. I opened the paper and my mind was totally blank. Luckily this didn’t last long and I soon made my way through it. My stress levels were high and this started to take affect on my asthma. I was in math exam and I took an asthma attack. The lady couldn’t do anything for me as if I left the room I couldn’t come back. I had only answered about 5 questions of the first half of the paper and I knew that it would be a struggle with not being able to breathe. I made my way through the questions as fast as I could. When I was finished I put my hand up to get the lady back over but she said she couldn’t let me leave yet as it was too early. So I had to sit and suffer and try not to pass out. Eventually I got out and I had to go to the nurses office. Whilst there she made an appointment with my doctor for me as she didn’t want me to face that again in my next exam. At the doctors they told me I needed tablets to control my asthma better as I had been taking a lot of attacks in such a sort space of time but unfortunately due to the side affects they wouldn’t let me go on them until after my exams were over so I had something else to worry about.

My exams ended and all I had left to do at school was get my leavers form signed and hand it in. It was a scary thought. I knew this meant it was the end and my life was about to change drastically. I no longer had the routine I was used to and that I was happy with, sometimes I thought that my school routine was the only thing keeping me going as when I wasn’t there I didn’t know what to do. I would end up thinking about things that brought me down and I would do something daft.

At this point last year I was still self harming and it was probably one of the only things keeping me going. It got me through all the crap from school and the fears I had of leaving. Although I knew I had outgrown school and that it was really time to leave I was scared for the fact I would have no routine, no support and no planned future. I guess in a way I knew school was a safety net. I knew that I could stay at school and I was getting something from it especially when I was helping the younger children.

People always say to you that school is the best time of your life and nothing will ever beat it. For me school wasn’t a good thing. It was where i was stuck in a rut and has a lot of bad memories that come along with it. Don’t get me wrong I did loads of awesome things at school and I am grateful for the opportunity but the day I left and began to change my life around totally is the best day ever for me.

After leaving school I got myself a new job just a couple of weeks after finishing my exams, I secured my self a place at college and really began to change my life for the better. It was a fresh start and used the summer break to reflect on things and plan out how I was going to make the changes I knew were vital for me to be the person I wanted to be. In fact they were changes that I needed to make to stay a live. If I hadn’t broken the cycle I was in who knows what mess I would of gotten myself into and to be honest I probably wouldn’t be sitting writing this I would be in a box six foot under.

After summer I started college and have really enjoyed my time there. Doing a corse I enjoy and meeting loads of new people has helped a lot. College was definitely a fresh start for me and people there see me for who I am and not what I was. I am no longer looked at as Hayley the self harmer or Hayley the girl who can’t behave I’m just known as Hayley.

Also in the last year I have had many achievements that I’m pretty proud of. I have started training to be an officer at the girls brigade, I have been nominated for awards at college. I have pushed myself more than ever and managed to change my life drastically. From not being allowed to do English at school I changed my attitude and wrote a book. I am about to go through my training for aspire north and help younger kids get themselves out of situations I found myself in at their age. I have got myself sorted for college next year. I passed my driving test. I have stopped self harming almost all together (not cut for over 6 months). I have made lots of people proud and most of all I’ve been enjoying life.

So yeah to round things up in the last year I have left school, got a new job, wrote a book, started a blog, started college, turned 18 and changed my life around. And you know what it’s been the best year of my life.

How has your year been?
Bye for now 🙂

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