The straight and narrow

Posted: May 10, 2011 in Uncategorized

So today someone asked me a bit about my past and where I would say my lowest place I’ve ever been was. I have to say that I didn’t have an answer straight away as it’s not really something I think much about now. I have been thinking about all day since and I guess that the lowest place must have been when I wanted to end my life. In my 18 years of living I have tried to take my life several times. Which looking back is quite a scary thing especially the fact that my first at attempt was when I was in primary school.

Thinking about it has made me realise just how dark a place I was in and how much I hated life. In total I have tried to take my life about 10 different times. Some situations not as serious as others. On two different occasions I hospitalised myself with the actions that I took. I guess that looking back now I’m quite lucky but it also makes you think that why didn’t someone help me the first time so that it didn’t happen again. I regret some of the things I did and the one I regret the most was when I overdosed on paracetamol, not just for the fact that I tried to escape from life but the fact it was so close to the death of my grandma and I was not there to support her and spent the remaining time I had left with her. I guess the thing that I found worst about this situation was that my grandma died and she really didn’t know me or how much I really didn’t want to live also I feel like i wasn’t there enough and I would have loved to spend that little bit of extra time with her and it may have been the shove I needed to make me see just what I was to myself and the others around me. I guess that my life was a real mess than and I was probably at the lowest point I had ever been especially after my grandmas death. For months after I regretted everything I had done and how I almost wasted my life but instead of change and try to get help to get back to the straight and narrow, I fell deeper into depression and I started to think in my head that the people around me would be better off without me and that I was just a huge burden on everyone who I was in contact with.

In this deep state of depression I started to do silly things, I started cutting myself more than I had done before and I remember an incident where I was working in the school library and had a blade in my pocket, the librarian had to go out and there was a class coming in in about half an hour. I knew no one else would be in as the doors were locked and I started to cut, I didn’t just cut once I kept on cutting. It was like releasing the pressure that was building up inside me and I was finally doing something about it, although this wasn’t the healthiest thing to do it was my thing. I kept on cutting, my forearm was always the place I cut and I didn’t only make one cut I made almost fifty cuts on my arm all were fairly deep and I had a lot of blood running from my arm. This was a real low point for me and was only made worse when instead of being helped by the person confided in I was given into trouble. That day someone asked me if by cutting myself so much was I trying to kill myself. After what I had just put myself through how could they ask me that. Cutting for me wasn’t an escape for life it was an escape from my feelings.

The next day I could tell people knew I didn’t feel myself and people kept on asking me if I was alright. Obviously I didn’t look alright before they were asking but they insisted on asking and it really started annoying me. That afternoon I was again in the library where I spent a lot of my spare time. The only difference this time was I wasn’t alone so cutting would have been a lot harder. My emotions were running high and I had it in my head that I couldn’t take any more. I was meant to be revising for an exam and I started to write but instead of doing revision I started writing a suicide note and planning what I was going to do. Unfortunately my note was found before the end of school and I was referred to the school nurse. For me this was the realisation I needed it made me see how crap I felt and just what was going on in my head. This was a turning point for me and I was glad to say goodbye to the deeply depressed Hayley. Although it took a long time and a lot of hard work and determination and got through the difficult time and I am glad to be sat writing this today.

I still have the suicide note I wrote that day and for nothing else but motivation. When I’m having a down day I just need to read over that letter and see how far I have come. Yes I regret some of the choices I made and that I missed the precious last few days with my grandma but my past has shaped me into the person I am today. I’m glad that I have left it all behind and I’m on the straight and narrow.

Well thats what I’ve been thinking about and needed to share. Bye for now.

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