Looking Back

Posted: October 5, 2011 in growing stronger, tough times

Over these last few days I have been thinking a lot about things from tha past. Today marks the 4th aniversary of my grandmas death and I have been looking back as its been leading up to this. I guess the main thing that has been on my mind was the day i tried to take my own life just weeks before my grandma passed away. I have breifly touched on this subject before but I think that now is the time to share some more about this day with people.

I guess I should start at the beginning of that day. It was like any other day that I had been going through at that time and although I wasn’t in the greatest of moods it was just a another day the same as all the rest. I got up and went to school. Following my usual routine, I met up with friends and we all went to school together. I started the day like any other and as I made my way through the school day I was having a pretty average day. I was late for my math class due to a teacher having a word with me in the previous class. This was nothing new I often used to get into trouble and a lot of the time I would be late for classes due to getting told off or a punishment issued. I was a fourth year pupil and I was meant to be setting an example but instead I was out to cause trouble.

Entering into my math class I was told that I had to go see my year head at the end of the class. So as the class got ready to go for lunch I headed to the office to see what she had to say. I got there to be told I was in trouble for not attending a detention the day before, I got annoyed as I had tried to go to that detention but the door to the gum hall was locked so I didn’t hang about. This made me frustrated and added to the anger I had been holding inside for some time.

I didn’t really know how to cope with anger, I tried to deal with it my way but over the while before that day it had began to get too much for me. I left her office on a high, and not a positive one at that. I went and met my friends in the canteen and I was so annoyed I had nothing to eat. When we left the canteen I decided that I would take out the box of paracetamol I had in my bag. I did have a sore head and only planned to take two, minutes later I had taken 13. I didn’t say anything to anyone about what I had done as I wanted to keep quiet and see what happened to me. I didn’t really plan to take my life but I guess with this act it’s what must have went through my head. I was a confused mess and ended up having to go to the school nurse and tell her what I had done. By this point i had very severe pains in my stomach. The school nurse was one of the very few people I could confine in and I knew she would take me seriously. She phoned the hospital to get advice about what we should do and they told her I needed to go to hospital as I had taken a very high dose of paracetamol. My mum was called and my granda and her came to collect me from school. They questioned me all the way there and wanted to know why I had done it. I had no answer. I didn’t know why I just knew that at the time it felt right. Arriving at the hospital they took me in to a little treatment room pretty much straight away. They then asked me questions again I didn’t really have any answers. They took the box from me to see what strength the tablets were and then took me through to another little room. In there they made me drink charcoal to counteract with the paracetamol. I struggled with this as it’s the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted. I was then informed that I had to stay in over night as there was lots of tests they needed to do and they needed to keep a close eye on me. I really didn’t want to stay, I hated hospitals but i had no choice. During the first few hours i had nurses at me constantly, doing all sorts of tests and making sure I was alright. I had been in for a few hours and I got a visitor a lady that I had been speaking about things with for a while. She was one if the very few people I trusted and I was glad to see her. Although I was glad to see her it didn’t really make me any better, I still didn’t really know what had happened and my face showed this. I had a blank expression on my face and my head was in a different world. The lady left and she took my mum with her I was on my own now and did nothing but think. All night long the nurses were checking on me and doing tests. When morning came my mum had phoned to see how I was and was told o could get home. I couldn’t of been happier. Well that was a lye but I was glad to be getting out of there. I couldn’t leave though until I had spoken to a mental health doctor. After this I was free to go.

I went home got changed and headed for school. I didn’t dress for school as I was in no fit state to be there but I knew I needed to do some explaining. I spoke to several people whilst I was there and managed to make some support arrangement for when I went back. I also spoke to my year head who was feeling bad as she was the last person to talk to me. It wasn’t her fault she just got to me and made me crumble. It could have been anyone.

It was a hard thing for me to deal with but over the years I have come to terms with what happened. I know I missed crucial time with my grandma due to me being ill and needing time to get over what I did but I have learnt from my mistakes and I now cherish every moment with my family.

Well thats what’s on my mind. Bye for now 🙂

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