It doesn’t get any easier…

Posted: February 12, 2012 in growing stronger, self help, tough times

Today marked the 10th anniversary of my dads death. As the years go in it doesn’t get any easier but the way I deal with it does. I want to tell you a wee bit about how things have changed.

When I lost my dad 10 years ago I was young and didn’t really understand what was going on. It took a while for me to respond to the emotions I was feeling and due to this I did daft things. When my dad first passed away I didn’t speak to anyone about it. I had one day off of school and then back I went pretending I was fine and that nothing had happened. My teacher knew what had happened and also my class were aware of it too so I didn’t get a minutes peace from people asking me if I was okay. I’ve always had a temper on me but I always managed to keep it calm at school, but after dad passed it was harder to do so. Every time someone asked a question about it I felt it building and building. It was none of their business. A few days after my dad had passed I had had enough of all the questions and people pretending to care. I was ready to explode with rage. One girl in my class insisted on making remarks about my dad. When we were out for playtime she came in to the toilets whilst I was there, she started talking about my dad. She told me he deserved to be dead and that a box was the best place for him. She had no right to say what she did, he was my dad, she didn’t know him and therefore should have had no option about him. I lost my temper with her and picked her up and put her head through a wall. I got into serious trouble at school but I didn’t care. She deserved what she got and that’s why I did it. I know I could have handled this situation better but I was young, daft and upset.

I continued living with a temper. I didn’t open up for years about my dad and this did me no favours. My dad wouldn’t have liked to see me suffer, but I was putting myself through torture. I stopped eating for several months after as I wasn’t myself. My mind was somewhere else. I left primary school a mess. I was self harming on a daily basis and I pretty much wanted to die.

Starting secondary school sort of meant a new beginning. But for me it wasn’t a positive one. I misbehaved a lot to hide the fact I was suffering. This did nothing but gain me a bad reputation. When I was in third year the school found out about my self harm and I started to open up about things that made it start. Losing my dad was the main thing that made it start, but as things happened in my life I used it to deal with things. By the time I was confronted about it I had been self harming for six years. Basically I was suffering in silence for this time. No one knew about my scars and I was hoping no one would ever find out but if I hadn’t been confronted and faced my problem I would probably be dead.

Many of the scars I still have today and this is a constant memory of what I put myself through, but it is also a constant reminder of the hard work and determination I had to pull through. I have a scar that reads “let me break free” at the time I scared that into my skin I was thinking about dying and escaping all my problems. Ironically this is a reminder too. It’s something I tell people about because I did break free, free from self harm and the situation I was in.

Every anniversary of my dads death comes round and I deal with it in a different way. But some things will never change. I still have my moment with my dad and I still write him a letter. I also make a point of looking at my scars. These help me through the tough times as much as they remind me of the bad.

I miss my dad so much. He was not only my dad but my best friend. Everything I do in life is in the honour of my dad and I hope he looks down feeling proud of me. I’ve changed a lit since he passed and I’ve also had my fair share of the ups and downs but I can now say my life is somewhere I am happy with.

Today I was meant to get a tattoo done of my dad but unfortunately I could not get this. Some may say its a sign of my dad saying no as he hates tattoos but I will get it done hopefully on his birthday this year. So he will be there in the tough times smiling away at me.

Instead of my tattoo I just spent time thinking about my dad and the memories I have of him. I also wrote my letter and burnt it this may sound daft but I burn it so that I can see the smoke rise and this is like the letter being delivered to my dad. This is a very different way of coping to using self harm but it’s the replacement and it works a lot better.

It really doesn’t get any easier but there isn’t a day where I don’t think about my dad and I know he’s by my side guiding me through life. One day I will be reunited with my best friend but until then I will try my best to make him proud.

R.I.P Dad xxx

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