How do people see me??

Posted: August 14, 2012 in growing stronger, self help, tough times

So it’s been a while since I last wrote anything. This is mainly due to the fact that I have been so busy lately with work and life in general. But I have something that I want to share so have found the time to do so.

For these last weeks I have been thinking a lot about the past and how much I have changed and grown as a person. I do however still wonder a lot about how other people see me, do they see me the same I way I do? There have been times where people have said things to me and I wonder if I really have changed as much as I think but looking back I know I have.

It’s almost 2 years now that I have been in “recovery”. You may ask yourself why I phrase it this way and the answer is this. Self-harm was a massive part in my life for many years and it still plays a big part now. I have not self-harmed for almost 2 years but it lives with me everyday. It’s like an alcoholic giving up drinking they are know as a recovering alcoholic and it’s the same here I’m a recovering self-harmer and will be for the rest of my life.

In some ways I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to grow into the person I am today and without the problems I had to face in my life I wouldnt be the same person so for this I am thankful.
I have had many ordeals to face and each have made a little part of the person I am. Who knows where i would be if these things hadn’t happened? I certainly wouldn’t be sitting here writing this just now.

To sit here and say I haven’t harmed myself for almost 2 years is a massive thing for me as when I stopped before whilst being supported by “professionals” I would sometimes get to a week and then fall back, I think I once managed a couple of months then something happened that knocked me right back again. This time I have done it all on my own and hitting this milestone I feel proud!

I have been talking about this with one of my closest friends and we were discussing some of the things I used to do and where a lot of my problems stemmed from. Not the problems that made me feel the need to harm myself but problems that got in the way of me getting better. One of the main things is that I had a lack of trust for professionals! This started when I was in primary school, the first time I tried to take my life, even though this happened whilst I was at school they still didn’t bother to try and put things into place to help me! I was a 10 year old trying to fight the world alone, and not a single one of them seemed to care!

Another issues was that it took 6 years for anyone to discover I was a self-harmer! 3 years in primary school where I had the same teacher for 2 years of that and also 3 years of secondary school where I would have up to 6 teachers a day 5 days a week. This put even more doubt in my mind about people being there to help me! My friends were the ones who noticed and brought it to the attention of my guidance teacher at the time.

I remember the day she found out very well and it will always stick in my mind. After pulling me up outside the hall before morning registration she took me into the hall so that we could “have a chat”. She asked me the question “how are you feeling”? I asked if she wanted the proper answer or the one I tell everyone else, the truth was what she wanted and so that was what she got! I don’t think she was quite expecting what came next. The first thing I did was show her my fingers which were strapped together and told her that this might explain something. Asking me what I had done, I replied and told her that I had snapped my finger in half by pulling it backwards. She thought this was bad but as she had asked for the truth a lot worse was to come. I told her everything, including the things that had happened to me to make me feel so low. She was the first person I had opened up to and the only person I had ever felt I could confide in! The scary thing is that if it wasn’t for my friends I wouldnt of had that and my recovery may never have started.

As I hit this milestone I do so with the attitude that I want to help many other young people who are facing similar things to what i did and also educate people who do not self harm about how they can support others. Staff in school should be trained so they can deal with this properly and things are now more out there than they were when I first revealed I was a self-harmer! I aim to get my message out there and show people the sorts of signs people missed with me so that I can help others who are suffering alone.

I will always have the tag “self-harmer” hanging from me and no one needs to remind me this is something I know will live with me forever but it now says “self harmer in recovery!”. I am slowly becoming more proud of who I have become and believe everyday is an achievement, although 2 years is a massive thing everyday I get through without harming myself is a huge achievement, the thoughts are still with me but I just control them now!

If you are reading this and at the start of your recovery journey, I wish you all the luck and just remember you can do it, even if your all on you own. I’m running the race with you cheering you on. We will beat this!

If you know me, do you think i have changed/ shaped into a better person?

How do you see me??

H 🙂

PAIN in my past, STRENGTH in my future!”

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Comments
  1. Linda says:

    I am glad you are still moving on in a good way. I am always here if you need me. You need to know no matter what Rob and I will always be here and love you. X x

  2. glenda bell says:

    Hayley
    I have just had a read of your letter I am so proud to hear you are feeling better and moving on with you r life often think of you maybe the next time i am in aberdeen we might catch up.xx

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