Wobbly days…

Posted: August 4, 2013 in growing stronger, self help, tough times

I want to share something with you that I very rarely mention. I want to tell you about the days I find myself struggling.

Although I am past my dark stage and doing really well I still have days when I find it tough to get through. I guess there are obvious ones that I have mentioned before like birthdays and anniversaries of loved ones who have passed. But sometimes they are not so obvious.

I have one example of this I want to share, just over a week ago I was meant to be up for jury duty, after phoning twice and being told to call back again the next day I though I would get away with not having to go at all but it didn’t work out like that. I had to go along on the Friday. When I first arrived in the court my heart started to race, memories were coming flooding back, memories I would rather forget. Although it was a different court to what I appeared in when I was sexually abused it was still that same atmosphere and in my head it was exactly the same place. After waiting downstairs for about 10 minutes we were taken up to the court room. I stepped in the door and it was as though my trial just happened yesterday. I was shaking like mad, the person sitting next to me must have thought I was rather strange. It was then announced that it was going to be a sexual offences case. At this stage I was finding it very difficult to hold it together. I couldn’t put myself through that. It wouldn’t of been good for me. Luckily I got the chance to speak to one of the ladies in charge of us and got out of it after explaining my situation, but even doing this was very difficult and I broke down in tears. I could hear his voice, I could smell that same smell I had on the day and I felt as though I was about to stand in the witness box again.

It really threw me. I thought I was strong, I thought I had dealt with most things but I guess I wasn’t as strong as I had thought. It made me feel quite down for the day and I had frequent flashbacks for a few days after it but I dealt with it much better than I would have previously. I made sure I was busy and surrounded by people who understood.

I guess I wanted to share this because I want people to know that wobbly days still happen. They will always be there but you have to realise they don’t need to knock you back. You can learn from them. It’s natural to have an off day, you just don’t need to give in to the thoughts you may have. And I think that it’s a good learning curve when you have a day like that because you see how far you have come. I also believe that it balances things out as no one can be happy all day every day.

Just remember to believe in yourself and if you have a wobbly day, it’s okay, you’ll get through it and feel rather good for it!!

H 🙂

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