Do the changes really matter?…

Posted: January 15, 2014 in Uncategorized

So this is my first blog of the year and normally it would be something cheery or supportive but this one is going to be a little different. I still hope that it can help people understand more about the subject of self harm and also hopefully help others that are on the journey.

For a while now I’ve been thinking a lot about what other people think of me. I’ve been told more over this past year that people are proud of me than I have ever before but somehow I find it hard to keep the positivity from this. I know that most people who know me and my story will see every change I’ve made in my life, even the small ones, but do they fear that I may slip back? I constantly think that people think this and it drives me insane sometimes.

One of the biggest things connected to this is the fear if I have even one small scrape or cut in a visible place that people will think I’m back to self harming. It may sound a little daft but I live in fear of this everyday. I know that I will never go back down that road, it’s not a place I ever want to have to revisit, other than to take the good out of it. My future is looking pretty bright, so why do I let these thoughts make me worry so much?

I’m working on an answer to that, but I’m yet to find the right one. Sometimes I find my self covering up small scratches or anything of the sort just so people don’t think these things about me. I thought that when I was in recovery I wouldn’t have to hide things again, but yet this is what I find myself doing. I’ve been fighting myself about this for a while. I shouldn’t have to hide them as I know that they haven’t come from self harm, but the fear of not knowing what others will think makes me do it?

I guess I’ve managed to cope with this feelings quite well up until now and it’s only recently that it’s gotten past the point of me being able to deal with it. I recently started a new part time job and it’s pretty physical and I do get a lot of little cuts, scrapes and bruises. I guess the thoughts of what people might think have gotten stronger since starting this job as I can end up with quite a number of little cuts in just one nights work.

I would like to know what others would think. Would they be brave enough to confront me, or would they just go away thinking their own thing. If your reading this and you know me, what would you do? Would you be scared that I’d slipped back to where I was? Would you ask me about them? Or would you just pretend like you never saw a thing? If you fancy helping me out on this point I’d gratefully appreciate it.

One other thing I think about a lot is the fact that people who know about my past may actually check to see if they see anything now and again. I guess this is something I’ve feared my whole way through my recovery. This stems from people checking for signs when it all came out back in school. It’s pretty crazy to think that I still fear this even though I know they won’t find anything, but it’s a massive fear. I hate the thought of people still thinking that this could be a possibility for me to do. I ask my self almost daily if this is something I will ever get to leave behind or will I always be in fear of what others think of me? Hopefully one day this will change but for now I’ve just got to find a way to deal with it.

I’ve got one question that comes with all this, do the changes really matter? Or will my past haunt me for the rest of my days?

If you are going through similar things then I hope this helps a little by knowing that it’s not just you that feels this way. I think it’s part of recovery and a piece of the puzzle we have to suss out. In time I hope we all get there.

If your reading this and you know me, if you could help me out by letting me know your thoughts I would be ever so grateful! It may help me find the answers to all my questions.

I’m not going to let this hold me back and now that it’s out in the open if might make things easier. Let’s make the most of 2014. It’s looking to be a great year already.

Bye for now. 🙂

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