Sometimes it’s hard to face reality…

Posted: March 13, 2014 in Uncategorized

It’s been a while since my last blog and I guess that the main reason for that is the way I’ve been feeling.

I recently spoke out in the local paper about my mental health and the fact that I’m turning all my bad experience into good my running never never and getting the message out there but even whilst doing this I still have times where I’m struggling and I pretend like all is well. My bipolar disorder means that I have periods where I suffer from depression and also periods of mania. I’m aware of these periods usually but there are times where it’s almost like I’m in denial and it’s almost like I’m watching someone else go through those periods of time. I guess when they hit hard it’s tough for me to accept what is reality.

I’m just coming out of a depressive phase at the moment. Normally I can cope pretty well with them and it doesn’t really affect my day to day life but this time I’ve realised that it has had an effect. My birthday was a few weeks ago and as it was my 21st I celebrated in style over the weekend them I guess things went downhill. I didn’t see it coming, I guess all the excitement had blurred the fact it was happening.

I want to share how I’ve been feeling. They way it makes me feel and the things I think are happening cause me to spiral downwards as I believe it all. This is the first time I have openly spoken about my illness and I hope that it can help me understand it a bit more by getting it out and also help others realise that they are not alone.

This phase that I’m just coming out of has been one of the worst I’ve had for a while. I’ve felt alone for most of it. I have been feeling so alone. I got it into my head that I’ve done something wrong and that my friends are backing away. I lost motivation in a lot of things and have been lacking energy. I’ve been sleeping a lot! My appetite has been very low and I’ve pretty much been living in an alternative world where I guess I think everything is bad when it’s really not that bad. I’m scared to ask people if what’s in my head is really true. Maybe i should just ask, but I find it hard to do so as I’m scared that it is reality and I don’t want to have to continue to feel that way. But then because I don’t ask the thoughts just get worse. It’s a bit of a vicious circle. Even now when I’m coming out of it and starting to feel like myself again, it’s still something I find hard to do. I just suppress the feelings as much as possible and try and get back to normal as quickly as I can.

I’m struggling to find the words to write all I want today but as I fight them to get them out I hope that it does sort of make sense. I guess the point in this point is blog is to let people see a little bit about what it’s like to live with bipolar. I’ve only covered a small part of it and only touched upon the depression side but I will try and write about my mania at another time as I think I need to be fully well to do that.

If your reading this and feel you want to ask me something, please feel free to do so. I’m more than happy to try and answer them.

If you are going through similar things and face phases like this all the time, I want you know that eventually you find a way to cope that little bit easier but sometimes you’ve just got to get through it and cope as best you can. 🙂

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