Is this my punishment?…

Posted: May 11, 2014 in tough times

I’m going to approach this blog a little differently to what I would normally. I’ve spoken about a few things that have happened to me and how I share them in the hope I can help others. Well this one is sort of different, I guess the main reason for this one is to maybe get an answer to my questions. Also it might be a little more personal than usual.

I often think about things from the past. The good and the bad. I spend hours every day just thinking. Sometimes those thoughts become so stuck in my head that I can’t shift them until I do something about them, sometimes the solution is easy but there are a few where I’ve found it a little more difficult. This time it’s been really difficult, I can’t find the solution and it’s really getting at me. So I thought I’d have another attempt at trying to deal with it.

I’ve talked briefly about my sexual abuse before, but this time I want to talk about how it’s affecting me now. I’m at an age of where I feel like I should be settling down, I’ve got the career part of it pretty sorted but I lack the relationship part of it. I’m not saying I want a perfect relationship that’s going to be my forever (even though I wouldn’t turn that down), but I would like to have a relationship. One that means something, one where I can be me and not have to worry. I don’t think there’s an age where your meant to be doing that but I feel like I’m ready for it now. But there’s something stopping that from happening.

Every time I get close to a guy I feel like they just run away. Maybe I’m just looking in all the wrong places but it’d be nice for just someone to understand me and still like me regardless of what happened in my past. I’ve been debating with myself whether or not it’s wise to write this and even now whilst writing this I’m still doubting whether it’s the right thing or not.

One thing I want in a relationship is honesty and me being honest is telling people about the bits of my past that still affect my present. The major thing being the sexual abuse I suffered. I want the guy I’m with to know that I may struggle with the intimacy part for a while. I don’t want to put my self in situations that I don’t feel comfortable with as this could have a horrible effect on me. I can’t just do all the things that others can do straight away, it’s going to take time for me to build trust and make sure I’m doing the right thing. I can’t change my past, it’s part of me but sometimes when I’m in the situation where I tell I guy then they just run away, I really wish I could change the past. The one little part anyway.

I’m not sure if it’s the normal way to feel after it happens but it’s how I feel and anyone I’m with needs to understand and accept that. I’m not saying it’s all guys but the ones I’ve built the courage to tell haven’t taken it well. People say all the time in life that you find the right person at some point and it’s worth waiting for, but I’m starting to doubt that will ever happen. I don’t want to hide my past as it’s important in those kind of situations but is it going to be the only way I can find someone?

Should I feel like damaged good? Like I’m not good enough? Cause that’s how I’m feeling right about now. I feel worthless. I can’t even write this without the tears streaming down my face as I imagine what those guys that I’ve told think about me. Do they think I must have deserved it? That I’m not worth the time and effort? Do they take a second just to think about how i feel when I’m telling them? Or how much strength and courage it took to tell them? Do they think about how they make me feel when they just ignore me after I tell them?

Well it doesn’t seem to me like they care one little bit. I think being made to feel all these things can only happen so many times before a girl just gives up all hope. Right now I feel like all those things, I feel like this is my punishment for my past. It’s not healthy to feel this way but it really can’t be helped.

I really do hope that this isn’t how all suffers feel. And if you too feel this way then I want you to know that your worth so much more. I maybe can’t make myself feel much better right now but I hope I can make you feel a little better.

I’ve been trying to find things to help and although it’s not really been successful I did come across on article that sums up how I’ve been feeling pretty well. It talks about all the things people don’t tell you when you’ve been sexually abused or (raped) as so many people call it.

This is what it says.
1. Nobody tells you that you’ll feel guilty the first time you have a crush on a guy after your rape. Aren’t you supposed to hate men now? I mean, ugh, penises are evil and one ruined your life. You shouldn’t even be thinking about boys. That’s what got you in trouble in the first place. (Oh, hey rape culture, how’d you get here?)

2. Nobody tells you that you’ll be called a tease when you draw the line at making out. Even though you’re pretty proud of yourself for this minor victory on your path to regaining any confidence in expressing your sexuality, some people will think you’re a prude because you won’t take off your pants.

3. Nobody tells you that the first time you do take off your pants in front of a potential partner you’ll cry almost immediately and put them back on, leaving without an explanation. You’ll feel embarrassed and stupid and you’ll wonder if you’re ever going to be capable of intimacy ever again.

4. Nobody tells you that masturbation is a healing practice (OK, maybe your therapist suggested it once or twice) and that realizing you’re capable of sexual satisfaction after rape is an incredible, powerful feeling. Sometimes it takes a while to feel wholly reunited with your body in this way, and you’re allowed to take all the time you need. Sexual exploration is a journey, not a destination.

5. Nobody tells you that your PTSD symptoms will be scoffed at. Your boundaries will be called “arbitrary” and you will be accused of “wielding sex as a weapon” and “putting yourself on a pedestal.” Someone should tell you that people who say these things are the worst type of people to be around. They have no right to make you feel ashamed, but they will. If they have the potential to get angry about the choices you make about what you do with your body, they are not worth your time or energy or thought or love. But nobody tells you that.

6. Nobody tells you that the ‘rape talk’ will be a thing that has to happen before any romantic relationship gets too serious. Nobody lets you know that immature men will freak out and refer to your rape as “baggage” when they cut things off. And unfortunately, nobody mentions that some men will hold your hand and weep with you when you tell them, because they can’t believe anyone would be capable of hurting you.

7. Nobody tells you that there are men who are patient and kind. Some men will listen and support you and they will read and research and seek to understand. They will ask you what you like and what you don’t like, they will be explicit about their concerns, and they will treat you with respect and dignity.

8. Nobody tells you that the first few times you try sex again it might not go well. You might have a panic attack or a flashback, and you might scream or shake or cry or throw up or all of the above. What they should tell you is that the right partner will stroke your back or make you tea or hold your hair back for you. He’ll leave if he’s asked and he’ll keep his phone on him so you can talk if you need to.

9. Nobody tells you that the first time you successfully, enjoyably have sex again is empowering, and freeing, and overwhelming. Even if it only lasts two minutes, it will feel like an enormous victory. You will be happy in a way you weren’t sure you would be happy again.

10. Nobody tells you that it doesn’t work that way every time. PTSD isn’t cured by one blissful experience, and anxiety is a bitch. Sometimes you will burrow down deep in your comforter and wish you could just be NORMAL and have NORMAL sex like a NORMAL person. And it is frustrating. But you will remember that one bad experience does not negate your ability to have future good experiences. And you will drink your tea and feel better.

11. Nobody tells you that people are capable of loving you after you’ve been raped, and that you are capable of loving back. You are allowed to give yourself to someone completely. Likewise, you are allowed to hold back. You are allowed to be fearful but you are also allowed to trust again. Your healing process is your own and regardless of how you get there, know that as long as you are taking care of yourself, nobody has any right to tell you differently.

12. Nobody tells you that just because he’s the first boy you slept with since your rape doesn’t mean you have to fall in love with him. You don’t “owe” anyone else your love or happiness or body. You can be thankful and appreciative and comfortable, but if he’s not “the one,” don’t settle just because he treated you better than your rapist.

These are all things everyone should know, not just the victims. It doesn’t just affect the on person it happens to but everyone who is in their life and especially partners. It’s a subject no one likes to talk about but I needed to do this. I needed to open up about it. I need to try get the answers to my questions. If your reading this and think you can help me with the answers please try because right now I could be done with some sort of explanation for how I’m feeling.

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