Facing my battles head on…

Posted: June 30, 2014 in Uncategorized

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about things I do or feel now that are connected to my past. In particular I’ve been thinking about the way I have always felt as though I’m worthless or that I am always second best to someone else.

Growing up with the past I had wasn’t easy, but it could have been a lot smoother had I been offered the support and guidance that was appropriate at the time. I guess a lot of how I feel about myself now comes from back then, from the way people treated me and the way I always felt that I wasn’t worthy enough to be cared for.

Losing my Dad was one of the very first times where I felt that I didn’t matter, that I wasn’t important enough for people to care or that I wasn’t worthy enough for support through it all. Don’t get me wrong my family tried their best to support me but not one “professional” offered support. I wasn’t allowed to say goodbye to my dad as I was told I was too young, this had a horrible affect on me later in life. No one asked me what I wanted they just made the decision for me. Not being able to say that final goodbye set of emotions in me that I’d never truly felt before. I became angry, depressed and very irritable. My behaviour changed, especially in school but nothing was picked up on. No one questioned why it was different, all they did was give me into trouble and punish me. They didn’t even care enough to let me tell my friends in my own time what had happened, they just went ahead and told my whole class what had happened when I wasn’t there!

I was 8 years old and they made me feel so worthless! They didn’t consider for one moment what they were doing to me and this only got worse as time went on. After I was sexually abused, I received no support what so ever! I did get interviewed from the police a load of times and had contact with them right throughout the case, but after that I had nothing. I saw a social worker once throughout it all and then she disappeared. The school knew all about it but nothing was put in place to support me. My teacher even started bringing things up about it in class. Again I felt worthless, not only had the abuse it’s self made lose my confidence and made me feel so small, they were adding to this too.

Even in secondary school things didn’t change, I always felt like I wasn’t important enough for people to notice there was something wrong. My behaviour got worse throughout my time in secondary school and still nothing was picked up on. I was seeing six different teachers a day, at least and not a single one of them questioned anything I was doing. In my third year when things came out about how I was feeling and why I was feeling this way, it still took quite a while to get support put in place. I had one person in the whole school that was trying to support me, and I really wouldn’t have survived without her, but it scares me to think that every single teacher in that school knew what I was doing to myself and what I was going through but none of them tried to help. I did eventually end up with a few people in the school I could speak to but this took some time and only happened because I had went to them for help.

When my “professional” support started it didn’t change they way I felt about myself. I was referred to someone, who then left about 2 months after and I was passed to someone else who I had to start over with again. I was then discharged only 2 months after trying to commit suicide. Only to be readmitted less than a year later. Again I felt worthless! I felt like no one wanted to help me. I felt that no one wanted cared enough about me to support me through everything and allow me to be a great person in life.

I tried to end my life, school thought it was appropriate to refer me to the children’s reporter which could have resulted in me be removed from my home, school and away from everything that was normal to me. They didn’t care enough to consider what effect that would have had on me. They told me that if they hadn’t done that then they would have had to think about throwing me out of school. A very considerate thing to do to someone who had just tried to commit suicide. Thankfully it was only recommended that I had social work contact and I was never removed from anything, although they did consider it at one point.

Even as I got slightly older and I was about to leave school, this feelings were still with me. I was 17 years old. My life was a mess, but all “professionals” involved in my life were about to leave me all at the same time. I was left with one who saw me about 3 weeks after I officially left school and then closed my case. I was alone. I felt worthless. I felt small. And most of all I felt that there was no one that cared about me.

I have always felt that I’m not special enough. That there’s always been someone else that’s more important than me! I’ve always felt that no one cares about me. Even to this day I still feel like this. I feel as though I’m always second best to someone else. I feel that people don’t care enough about me to help me achieve my dreams and goals. I know that there are some people there who do care enough but when it feels like the majority of people don’t then it’s hard to focus on those who do.

Some people still don’t care enough to allow me to move on and use all my negative experiences to help others. My whole life I’ve battled feeling this way and when I recovered from my darkest patch of my life I thought people would finally believe in me, but not everyone does. I almost feel invisible sometimes and it’s the worst feeling ever.

I’m trying my very best to get away from this feelings but it’s very difficult when people continue to make you feel this way. It’s a daily struggle of mine but I wanted to share it in the hope that I can encourage others to go out and achieve everything that they want to.

I may feel this way a lot of the time but it’s not going to stop me going out there and trying my hardest to make a difference. Everyone deserves the chance to be successful and I want others to realise this! I shall achieve everything that I’ve said I want to and when I do I shall make sure those who doubted me know all about it!

I want everyone in my life to know I care about them. Even those that I may never have met. Each and everyone of you deserve to be happy, you deserve to know you are loved. You are cared for and I believe in you all. You can all reach those goals and dreams that you have set. I will be here all the way cheering you on!

H 🙂

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