The fight to completely leave the past in the past…

Posted: November 13, 2014 in Uncategorized

So I’ve not blogged for the past few months. There are many reasons why but tonight I needed to get something out and thought blogging was my best option.

If you’ve read my previous blogs you will know about my history and what I’ve faced throughout life. My life’s never really been straight forward and dealing with a mental health issue is just one of the obstacles that I’ve had to face along the way.

People often ask me how I manage so well without being on meds or receiving professional support in any form. For me the coping part is the easy part. I know that I can manage without meds and I accept that I have to live with my illness. But there are a few things that come along with the illness that I struggle to deal with.

Bipolar is a funny sort of illness, it’s something you can’t predict how your going to be with. The stages just happen at random and are often very unexpected. I have learnt my self how to notice initial signs and I can prepare myself a bit for what’s to come next, but when I’m fully in a stage I can only let it run its course. There is nothing that will make it happen faster or make it go away.

I go through some pretty rough stages, where I find it really difficult to focus on anything other than the fact I am unwell. My depressive stages tend to last longer than my mania stages but they always differ in length. For me the mania stage is easiest to deal with, I’ve learnt to cope well with it and put things in place that help me keep on the right path through to the end of it.

The depressive stages are the ones that I sometimes catch me out. There seem to be things that are triggered off in my mind when I’m in these stages, that don’t normally happen. When in these stages I suffer from flashbacks of my past and these can often last for almost 10minutes at a time. I also get these flashbacks through nightmares and this means I get very little sleep whilst in a depressive stage. Little sleep means no time for my mind to heal and therefore these stages can last for a fair length of time. These flashbacks and nightmares I get are the hardest thing out of all the parts of my illness. They are the things that make me feel like I’ve not moved on. They are the things that keep my past in the present. They are things that stop me from doing so much more than I already do.

I’m sat here writing this its 12:36am and I’ve worked for 14hours today and I’m sleeping over at work and start back on shift in 6 and a half hours. But yet I can’t sleep. The moment I close my eyes I see the past. When I do get to sleep I waken in fear because the nightmares are so real. Often when I waken I am hallucinating, I see people and things from the past right in front of me.

My illness does not define me. It has shaped my life. Mostly for the better. But right now whilst I’m fighting these depressive stages and all that comes with them, it stops me from truly moving on from the past. I hope one day this will change. I shall try my hardest to find something to stop or at least reduce the flashbacks and nightmares. My illness is not going to win, I am going to move on from this. I am going to do everything I want in life and I am going to be truly happy when I do it!

I hope this blog makes sense. It’s the first time I’ve ever written one whilst suffering from any stage. I normally avoid sharing my experiences of these as I need time to get over the spell of being ill but this time i needed to share it as I need to try things to help me beat the flashbacks and nightmares! H 😐

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