Anxiety wins again…

Posted: October 21, 2015 in Uncategorized

As many of you will be aware I suffer from Bipolar disorder as part of my illness I have anxiety attacks. These can happen anywhere any time. Sometimes I find myself in situations where I am fighting with myself to do something but anxiety seems to win an awful lot of the time. 

For me anxiety controls a lot of the decisions I make. It has more power than me so it’s obviously going to win. Anxiety mixed with low self esteem is not the greatest of combinations, so you can imagine when it strikes it makes life really tough. I often find the courage to go do something but when I get to just about doing it anxiety takes over and I can spent minutes or sometimes hours trying to persuade myself it’s worth doing. More often than not I end up not doing what I had set out to do. 

My self worth plays a huge part in my anxiety, as when I try to persuade myself it’s worth doing there is always a doubt due to me not always having the confidence in myself. For example today I was going to a place to meet someone but the situation is possibly a little awkward and before even setting off I doubted whether it was a good idea. Round 1 went to me when I decided to leave the house and make my way there. Round 2 is when I try persuade myself to go in to the place. I stand outside for some time and tell myself it will be worth while but then anxiety creeps in and I start to think that maybe I’d be making the situation worse, maybe I’m not really wanted there and maybe it wasn’t the best idea in the first place. I stand outside for almost 30 minutes fighting myself. Round 2 goes to anxiety when I decide to walk back home. Round 3, I’m at home and I feel I’m stupid for even going. I make myself believe I’m not wanted there. I tell myself that I’m stupid for not being able to walk in. How can someone really get that close to a place and not just go in. Round 3 goes to anxiety when I break down in tears. 2-1 to anxiety. It always seems to win. 

Now I have to try make myself feel better and I guess that’s where this blog comes into play, but then again maybe my anxiety will pop back up again and decide that it’s going to make me feel guilty about doing what I did. 
It’s never ending battle with me. One day hopefully I will beat anxiety as I’m currently stuck losing a fighting battle. H :/

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