Archive for the ‘tough times’ Category

Is this my punishment?…

Posted: May 11, 2014 in tough times

I’m going to approach this blog a little differently to what I would normally. I’ve spoken about a few things that have happened to me and how I share them in the hope I can help others. Well this one is sort of different, I guess the main reason for this one is to maybe get an answer to my questions. Also it might be a little more personal than usual.

I often think about things from the past. The good and the bad. I spend hours every day just thinking. Sometimes those thoughts become so stuck in my head that I can’t shift them until I do something about them, sometimes the solution is easy but there are a few where I’ve found it a little more difficult. This time it’s been really difficult, I can’t find the solution and it’s really getting at me. So I thought I’d have another attempt at trying to deal with it.

I’ve talked briefly about my sexual abuse before, but this time I want to talk about how it’s affecting me now. I’m at an age of where I feel like I should be settling down, I’ve got the career part of it pretty sorted but I lack the relationship part of it. I’m not saying I want a perfect relationship that’s going to be my forever (even though I wouldn’t turn that down), but I would like to have a relationship. One that means something, one where I can be me and not have to worry. I don’t think there’s an age where your meant to be doing that but I feel like I’m ready for it now. But there’s something stopping that from happening.

Every time I get close to a guy I feel like they just run away. Maybe I’m just looking in all the wrong places but it’d be nice for just someone to understand me and still like me regardless of what happened in my past. I’ve been debating with myself whether or not it’s wise to write this and even now whilst writing this I’m still doubting whether it’s the right thing or not.

One thing I want in a relationship is honesty and me being honest is telling people about the bits of my past that still affect my present. The major thing being the sexual abuse I suffered. I want the guy I’m with to know that I may struggle with the intimacy part for a while. I don’t want to put my self in situations that I don’t feel comfortable with as this could have a horrible effect on me. I can’t just do all the things that others can do straight away, it’s going to take time for me to build trust and make sure I’m doing the right thing. I can’t change my past, it’s part of me but sometimes when I’m in the situation where I tell I guy then they just run away, I really wish I could change the past. The one little part anyway.

I’m not sure if it’s the normal way to feel after it happens but it’s how I feel and anyone I’m with needs to understand and accept that. I’m not saying it’s all guys but the ones I’ve built the courage to tell haven’t taken it well. People say all the time in life that you find the right person at some point and it’s worth waiting for, but I’m starting to doubt that will ever happen. I don’t want to hide my past as it’s important in those kind of situations but is it going to be the only way I can find someone?

Should I feel like damaged good? Like I’m not good enough? Cause that’s how I’m feeling right about now. I feel worthless. I can’t even write this without the tears streaming down my face as I imagine what those guys that I’ve told think about me. Do they think I must have deserved it? That I’m not worth the time and effort? Do they take a second just to think about how i feel when I’m telling them? Or how much strength and courage it took to tell them? Do they think about how they make me feel when they just ignore me after I tell them?

Well it doesn’t seem to me like they care one little bit. I think being made to feel all these things can only happen so many times before a girl just gives up all hope. Right now I feel like all those things, I feel like this is my punishment for my past. It’s not healthy to feel this way but it really can’t be helped.

I really do hope that this isn’t how all suffers feel. And if you too feel this way then I want you to know that your worth so much more. I maybe can’t make myself feel much better right now but I hope I can make you feel a little better.

I’ve been trying to find things to help and although it’s not really been successful I did come across on article that sums up how I’ve been feeling pretty well. It talks about all the things people don’t tell you when you’ve been sexually abused or (raped) as so many people call it.

This is what it says.
1. Nobody tells you that you’ll feel guilty the first time you have a crush on a guy after your rape. Aren’t you supposed to hate men now? I mean, ugh, penises are evil and one ruined your life. You shouldn’t even be thinking about boys. That’s what got you in trouble in the first place. (Oh, hey rape culture, how’d you get here?)

2. Nobody tells you that you’ll be called a tease when you draw the line at making out. Even though you’re pretty proud of yourself for this minor victory on your path to regaining any confidence in expressing your sexuality, some people will think you’re a prude because you won’t take off your pants.

3. Nobody tells you that the first time you do take off your pants in front of a potential partner you’ll cry almost immediately and put them back on, leaving without an explanation. You’ll feel embarrassed and stupid and you’ll wonder if you’re ever going to be capable of intimacy ever again.

4. Nobody tells you that masturbation is a healing practice (OK, maybe your therapist suggested it once or twice) and that realizing you’re capable of sexual satisfaction after rape is an incredible, powerful feeling. Sometimes it takes a while to feel wholly reunited with your body in this way, and you’re allowed to take all the time you need. Sexual exploration is a journey, not a destination.

5. Nobody tells you that your PTSD symptoms will be scoffed at. Your boundaries will be called “arbitrary” and you will be accused of “wielding sex as a weapon” and “putting yourself on a pedestal.” Someone should tell you that people who say these things are the worst type of people to be around. They have no right to make you feel ashamed, but they will. If they have the potential to get angry about the choices you make about what you do with your body, they are not worth your time or energy or thought or love. But nobody tells you that.

6. Nobody tells you that the ‘rape talk’ will be a thing that has to happen before any romantic relationship gets too serious. Nobody lets you know that immature men will freak out and refer to your rape as “baggage” when they cut things off. And unfortunately, nobody mentions that some men will hold your hand and weep with you when you tell them, because they can’t believe anyone would be capable of hurting you.

7. Nobody tells you that there are men who are patient and kind. Some men will listen and support you and they will read and research and seek to understand. They will ask you what you like and what you don’t like, they will be explicit about their concerns, and they will treat you with respect and dignity.

8. Nobody tells you that the first few times you try sex again it might not go well. You might have a panic attack or a flashback, and you might scream or shake or cry or throw up or all of the above. What they should tell you is that the right partner will stroke your back or make you tea or hold your hair back for you. He’ll leave if he’s asked and he’ll keep his phone on him so you can talk if you need to.

9. Nobody tells you that the first time you successfully, enjoyably have sex again is empowering, and freeing, and overwhelming. Even if it only lasts two minutes, it will feel like an enormous victory. You will be happy in a way you weren’t sure you would be happy again.

10. Nobody tells you that it doesn’t work that way every time. PTSD isn’t cured by one blissful experience, and anxiety is a bitch. Sometimes you will burrow down deep in your comforter and wish you could just be NORMAL and have NORMAL sex like a NORMAL person. And it is frustrating. But you will remember that one bad experience does not negate your ability to have future good experiences. And you will drink your tea and feel better.

11. Nobody tells you that people are capable of loving you after you’ve been raped, and that you are capable of loving back. You are allowed to give yourself to someone completely. Likewise, you are allowed to hold back. You are allowed to be fearful but you are also allowed to trust again. Your healing process is your own and regardless of how you get there, know that as long as you are taking care of yourself, nobody has any right to tell you differently.

12. Nobody tells you that just because he’s the first boy you slept with since your rape doesn’t mean you have to fall in love with him. You don’t “owe” anyone else your love or happiness or body. You can be thankful and appreciative and comfortable, but if he’s not “the one,” don’t settle just because he treated you better than your rapist.

These are all things everyone should know, not just the victims. It doesn’t just affect the on person it happens to but everyone who is in their life and especially partners. It’s a subject no one likes to talk about but I needed to do this. I needed to open up about it. I need to try get the answers to my questions. If your reading this and think you can help me with the answers please try because right now I could be done with some sort of explanation for how I’m feeling.

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So it’s been a little while since the last time I wrote something, not much new has been happening except for me just working hard and getting Never Never out there a bit more. 🙂

Today is the start of a new year for us at girls brigade and this means that I will returning to my old school once more. Every time I step through the door it feels strange and my head fills with memories, some good and some bad. School played a massive part in my past not only because I went there 5 days a week for so many years but because that’s where I was at some of the hardest points in my life. School was one of my safety nets. I wouldn’t say I loved school but It was something that kept me going and the routine I had during the week helped me get through many stages of my life.

When I was in school I knew that I had people around that I could run to when I needed help, well in the latter years anyway. I knew that no matter what someone would be there to help me through. Whether it be a teacher, the nurse or even the librarian, one of them would be there. I didn’t necessarily tell them how I was feeling or why I was there but just spending time with them and talking about anything, even the weather, helped me feel safe and often stopped me from feeling as bad as I did. I guess in a way they were one of my distraction techniques.

There are also certain parts of the school that hold stronger memories than others. One place in particular was the bathroom up stairs in one part of the school. I used to spend so much of my time up there. It was where I went when I was having a bad day, I knew that it was hardly ever used and that I could just sit there. It was also close to the guidance department which meant that if I needed them I was close, especially when it was my first guidance teacher and things had only just came to light for them.

I spent hours in that bathroom (picture below) and it has so many memories, not many good ones. It was my place where I would harm myself. The lack of people going about made it easy. It was the bathroom I used when I would make myself sick time after time. It was the place where I felt safe. Where I could be ME. I didn’t have to pretend in that room. I now go back there having come through the other side and I see the old me sitting in the corner doing the things I did, but it makes stronger knowing that I no longer need to that. I’m happy! That’s something I never thought I would feel when I was in that room.

It’s scary to think just how much I’ve changed in the last 3 years after leaving school. I wouldn’t go back there but it definitely was a good place for me to be when I was at my worst stage. What would’ve I done if I didn’t school? To be honest I don’t think I could’ve coped. So many people say that school days are the best days of your life but for me the were the hardest days, but school in itself helped me become the person I am today. I am grateful for my time at school and the chance I got to grow.

So the whole point of this blog is that if you have somewhere that makes you feel safe then use that place to help you to recovery. I have other places I would now class as my safe places and I love to spend time there when I’m having a bit of a down day. Use your safe place on your journey and hopefully it will you as much as mine did for me.

Keep strong 🙂

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I want to share something with you that I very rarely mention. I want to tell you about the days I find myself struggling.

Although I am past my dark stage and doing really well I still have days when I find it tough to get through. I guess there are obvious ones that I have mentioned before like birthdays and anniversaries of loved ones who have passed. But sometimes they are not so obvious.

I have one example of this I want to share, just over a week ago I was meant to be up for jury duty, after phoning twice and being told to call back again the next day I though I would get away with not having to go at all but it didn’t work out like that. I had to go along on the Friday. When I first arrived in the court my heart started to race, memories were coming flooding back, memories I would rather forget. Although it was a different court to what I appeared in when I was sexually abused it was still that same atmosphere and in my head it was exactly the same place. After waiting downstairs for about 10 minutes we were taken up to the court room. I stepped in the door and it was as though my trial just happened yesterday. I was shaking like mad, the person sitting next to me must have thought I was rather strange. It was then announced that it was going to be a sexual offences case. At this stage I was finding it very difficult to hold it together. I couldn’t put myself through that. It wouldn’t of been good for me. Luckily I got the chance to speak to one of the ladies in charge of us and got out of it after explaining my situation, but even doing this was very difficult and I broke down in tears. I could hear his voice, I could smell that same smell I had on the day and I felt as though I was about to stand in the witness box again.

It really threw me. I thought I was strong, I thought I had dealt with most things but I guess I wasn’t as strong as I had thought. It made me feel quite down for the day and I had frequent flashbacks for a few days after it but I dealt with it much better than I would have previously. I made sure I was busy and surrounded by people who understood.

I guess I wanted to share this because I want people to know that wobbly days still happen. They will always be there but you have to realise they don’t need to knock you back. You can learn from them. It’s natural to have an off day, you just don’t need to give in to the thoughts you may have. And I think that it’s a good learning curve when you have a day like that because you see how far you have come. I also believe that it balances things out as no one can be happy all day every day.

Just remember to believe in yourself and if you have a wobbly day, it’s okay, you’ll get through it and feel rather good for it!!

H 🙂

So a couple of months have gone by since I last wrote anything. But I felt like i needed to share something with you. So its almost 3am and instead of sleep I’m blogging but what better way to put myself to sleep then getting whats keeping me awake off of my chest.

A couple of days ago I was having a conversation with someone who knows me very well (or so i thought) and we got talking about my past and how much i have changed from then. But the only reason we got on to that topic was because of a stupid remark they made. I had toothache and was taking painkillers for it and they said oh you better be careful taking those you don’t want another overdose to happen. This infuriated me, do people still see me the same way as I was before? Do they not see the huge change I see?

Well I didn’t let it go I made sure I stood up for myself and told them exactly what has changed. Although i did this it has been bothering me these last couple of days and tonight I couldn’t sleep for thinking about it.

If you have read my last blog you will be aware that I went through some really dark patches just a few years back but this year is 2 years since i last harmed myself, and i am now on a mission to help others. surely that in its self is enough for someone to see i have changed.

Whilst i was thinking tonight i looked out my old sketch book and i began looking through some of my sketches from the past. i haven’t used this sketch book for some time now as it has all my dark days in it and i want it to stay that way so that i can show people just what others missed.

There are a number of sketches in it and they all show how crap i felt during this time and my sketch book came with me pretty much where ever i went as it was one way of me letting out my emotion without harming myself. i have attached some examples below of things people missed. ImageImageImageImage

i guess what i want to share with you is that even if there are clear signs there, self harm is something that many people do not pick up on or bother trying to support people with. when i was at my worst and needed the support i was very fortunate to have friends that picked up on the signs and told someone. if it wasn’t for them noticing, i would probably be dead. That may sound a bit over the top but i was on a path that had no return until my friends did something about it. It was because of them that i spoke out about what i had been going through and eventually got through my recovery. My friends have been there for me the whole way through and i am very grateful for their support. i know that if i ever need them they are there and i for them.

My mission is to get information out there to other young folk who don’t self harm but may know someone who does. if you notice something that you think is out of character for someone, do something about it. you may save that person.

My friends saved my life and I am forever thankful.

So yeah one comment sparked off a lot of thoughts and I needed to get some of it out there. I’m no longer at the place i was and i don’t need others to tell me that, i know i have changed and for the better. i will continue to go forward with this new chapter of my life creating many more positive experiences using the negatives from the past. My past is what has made me and i am not ashamed of any of it!

If you think someone is going through a hard time, please do something about it, dont wait for someone else to do it as they are probably thinking the same. your friends need you and you can truly make a difference.

Take care and bye for now. 🙂

Okay so its been a while since I last wrote anything, been rather busy but here I am with a little something.

So on the 1st of March it was self harm awareness day, I wrote the words on my wrist “keep fighting” a few days later I got this tattooed on me. This is a constant reminder to me of just how far I have come. It is also a good way to explain to people a little about what self harm is.

I guess this blog is a little different to ones in the past, although like all others it has a positive message, I also want to go into some detail about the dark times in my life. I want to share with people exactly how crap I felt and the sorts of things I used to do. If you have read my blogs before you will know a little about what I went through but I think that I always skim over the self harm thing. I do talk quite openly about it in the sense that people know I used to self harm, but I still find it difficult at times to talk about things I did to myself.

I started self harming when I was 8 years old, it kinda just happened, it wasn’t something I had ever thought of before or even heard of. When I first started it was to heal some of the pain after I lost my dad but it happened by accident. I had hung my self in the school toilets and had the tie so tight around my neck that it cut it. When I came round after being cut down I felt the blood and it gave me a sense of relief. I didn’t understand it at the time but I know now that when you get a cut it sets off endorphins in your body a bit like a work out but much more painful. This was the beginning and no one questioned me about this act, so I knew no one would ask me if I started to cut.

When I first started to self harm, I just cut my arms when I was having a bad day, this would only be like one little cut and I would feel that sense of relief again. When I was in primary 7 at school (aged 10), I was sexually assaulted and this was something I blamed my self for. I didn’t speak to anyone about this and I coped with it by cutting a little more. I left primary school and I was probably cutting every other day, maybe a couple of times those days and the cuts were beginning to get deeper. I had been hiding this for now 3 years, I knew I was good at it and I knew that I could hide what ever I liked from people.

First year started and I began to misbehave in class to cover up my true feelings. I was cutting quite a lot by this point, not every day but probably every other day and I was trying to make the feeling last but it never did. The behaviour got worse and so did the self harm. I began getting detentions on a daily basis, often 3-4 a day. This was all part of the way to cover up what I was doing to myself.

In 3rd year i was in a big mess. I was cutting almost every day and the cuts were getting deeper and deeper. I was no longer feeling the same relief from these but I continued to cut. I started to do other things on top of it, I began to burn myself, I used to carry lighters about with me and I sat with the flame on my skin waiting till the pain set in. I would then use the burning hot metal and stick that on my skin.

I soon became unresponsive to the burning, I had to do more. One day I was very low and I snapped my finger in half. Looking back it kinda amazes me how I used to think up all these things and also the excuses along with them. On this occasion I went to hospital and I told them I had fallen over. They didn’t question me, had I became so good at lying about these things that even professionals were starting to believe it? Probably not, its more likely they didn’t want to know the truth as they would have to deal with it.

My friends had became aware of how I was feeling and had approached my guidance teacher with my planner that had a note in it saying how I felt, this also had blood on it as I had cut just before writing it. I was pulled up and I revealed for the first time what I was doing to myself. This didn’t do what i had expected, I felt so guilty that i had dumped this on someone that i went off and cut again, not only did I cut I banged my head off the concrete wall about 50 times. This was a new form of self harm for me. This soon wasn’t enough for me either, I began to take overdoses of ibuprofen. I split the lining of my stomach. This still wasn’t enough for me. I felt like i was sinking and i was never going to get back on track. At this time my guidance teacher announced she was retiring. I gave up. My behaviour became so bad, I couldn’t care less what they thought of me and I wanted them to know what I thought if them. I got an exclusion warning for swearing at a member of staff whilst telling her exactly how i felt. I then ended up getting excluded for swearing again, i didn’t say exactly what they teacher said i did but i did swear at him. Did i just blow everything? Did i just throw my whole life away? The answer to that at the time was probably yes. I had to do a lot of hard work to prove my self, allowing me to stay on at school. Even though my behaviour improved my self harming got worse. The end of 3rd year arrived and i was in such a bad place. I started drinking, I used to drink a half bottle of vodka a day and often anything else i could get my hands on. I had a local shop where i went to buy my supplies. The guy there became my friend, he was the one who allowed me to drink my pain away. I don’t know why but i never got drunk, no matter how much i drank, but you know what i do know is, that i thought drinking would solve all my problems.

I hit 4th year and I was cutting on a daily basis, several times a day. They were deep but they weren’t enough. I needed to still burn my self and hit my head off of things. I then began punching things. I broke several bones in my hands. This still wasn’t enough. I began hitting myself with a hammer. This made me feel better for a short time but again it soon wasn’t enough. At the end of my fourth year my behaviour began to slip a little, i got a detention from my year head after a shit morning. That was it for me, I couldn’t cope any more. I had had enough! That afternoon I took a lot of paracetamol. I ended up being hospitalised, I didn’t want to die, well I didn’t think i did i just wanted to ease the pain.

Looking back i guess i must have though about killing myself before doing it as otherwise i wouldn’t have done it, i may of just cut more or burned myself more but i didn’t. I think this was when people realised just how shit i felt. They started to see what was going on and i guess in a small way began to help me. Sitting my 4th year exams i was drinking the most i had been, but you know something i passed every single one of them and proved all my teachers wrong!

5th and 6th year at school were a lot smoother than the others but i was still harming myself daily. One day in 6th year I cut myself about 100 time just at school. I began getting ill, my asthma began to really flare up. I was having attacks on a daily basis. I stopped using my inhalers. I thought i could make myself so ill i would end up dead. I thought that i would no longer be a burden to all the people who i felt like i was dumping all my crap on.

I left school at the end of 6th year, pretending my life was going well. I had got a new job, started college and made on that even though all my support was dropped i would cope just fine on my own. This was all an act. I had no idea how i was going cope or how i was ever going to stop cutting. College found out about it because of school, so i didn’t have the chance of a fresh start.

I had been self harming for 10 years, i had had enough of what i was doing. I needed to make my dad proud. I needed to do something with my life. The 21st of june this year will mark 2 years of being self harm free. It controlled my life for so long. It made me who i am. I am not ashamed to show people my scars or tell them I self-harmed. Every single one of my scars tells a story. They will be with me for life. They do not show weakness, they show the strength i had to carry on.

If you self harm or know someone who self harms, it does get easier! You can get over this! You will beat it and you will go on and do great things with your life. Yes it took me time to get through it and it wasn’t easy, but with hard work and determination, it is possible!!!

Keep Fighting!

So it’s been a while since I last wrote anything. This is mainly due to the fact that I have been so busy lately with work and life in general. But I have something that I want to share so have found the time to do so.

For these last weeks I have been thinking a lot about the past and how much I have changed and grown as a person. I do however still wonder a lot about how other people see me, do they see me the same I way I do? There have been times where people have said things to me and I wonder if I really have changed as much as I think but looking back I know I have.

It’s almost 2 years now that I have been in “recovery”. You may ask yourself why I phrase it this way and the answer is this. Self-harm was a massive part in my life for many years and it still plays a big part now. I have not self-harmed for almost 2 years but it lives with me everyday. It’s like an alcoholic giving up drinking they are know as a recovering alcoholic and it’s the same here I’m a recovering self-harmer and will be for the rest of my life.

In some ways I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to grow into the person I am today and without the problems I had to face in my life I wouldnt be the same person so for this I am thankful.
I have had many ordeals to face and each have made a little part of the person I am. Who knows where i would be if these things hadn’t happened? I certainly wouldn’t be sitting here writing this just now.

To sit here and say I haven’t harmed myself for almost 2 years is a massive thing for me as when I stopped before whilst being supported by “professionals” I would sometimes get to a week and then fall back, I think I once managed a couple of months then something happened that knocked me right back again. This time I have done it all on my own and hitting this milestone I feel proud!

I have been talking about this with one of my closest friends and we were discussing some of the things I used to do and where a lot of my problems stemmed from. Not the problems that made me feel the need to harm myself but problems that got in the way of me getting better. One of the main things is that I had a lack of trust for professionals! This started when I was in primary school, the first time I tried to take my life, even though this happened whilst I was at school they still didn’t bother to try and put things into place to help me! I was a 10 year old trying to fight the world alone, and not a single one of them seemed to care!

Another issues was that it took 6 years for anyone to discover I was a self-harmer! 3 years in primary school where I had the same teacher for 2 years of that and also 3 years of secondary school where I would have up to 6 teachers a day 5 days a week. This put even more doubt in my mind about people being there to help me! My friends were the ones who noticed and brought it to the attention of my guidance teacher at the time.

I remember the day she found out very well and it will always stick in my mind. After pulling me up outside the hall before morning registration she took me into the hall so that we could “have a chat”. She asked me the question “how are you feeling”? I asked if she wanted the proper answer or the one I tell everyone else, the truth was what she wanted and so that was what she got! I don’t think she was quite expecting what came next. The first thing I did was show her my fingers which were strapped together and told her that this might explain something. Asking me what I had done, I replied and told her that I had snapped my finger in half by pulling it backwards. She thought this was bad but as she had asked for the truth a lot worse was to come. I told her everything, including the things that had happened to me to make me feel so low. She was the first person I had opened up to and the only person I had ever felt I could confide in! The scary thing is that if it wasn’t for my friends I wouldnt of had that and my recovery may never have started.

As I hit this milestone I do so with the attitude that I want to help many other young people who are facing similar things to what i did and also educate people who do not self harm about how they can support others. Staff in school should be trained so they can deal with this properly and things are now more out there than they were when I first revealed I was a self-harmer! I aim to get my message out there and show people the sorts of signs people missed with me so that I can help others who are suffering alone.

I will always have the tag “self-harmer” hanging from me and no one needs to remind me this is something I know will live with me forever but it now says “self harmer in recovery!”. I am slowly becoming more proud of who I have become and believe everyday is an achievement, although 2 years is a massive thing everyday I get through without harming myself is a huge achievement, the thoughts are still with me but I just control them now!

If you are reading this and at the start of your recovery journey, I wish you all the luck and just remember you can do it, even if your all on you own. I’m running the race with you cheering you on. We will beat this!

If you know me, do you think i have changed/ shaped into a better person?

How do you see me??

H 🙂

PAIN in my past, STRENGTH in my future!”

Today marked the 10th anniversary of my dads death. As the years go in it doesn’t get any easier but the way I deal with it does. I want to tell you a wee bit about how things have changed.

When I lost my dad 10 years ago I was young and didn’t really understand what was going on. It took a while for me to respond to the emotions I was feeling and due to this I did daft things. When my dad first passed away I didn’t speak to anyone about it. I had one day off of school and then back I went pretending I was fine and that nothing had happened. My teacher knew what had happened and also my class were aware of it too so I didn’t get a minutes peace from people asking me if I was okay. I’ve always had a temper on me but I always managed to keep it calm at school, but after dad passed it was harder to do so. Every time someone asked a question about it I felt it building and building. It was none of their business. A few days after my dad had passed I had had enough of all the questions and people pretending to care. I was ready to explode with rage. One girl in my class insisted on making remarks about my dad. When we were out for playtime she came in to the toilets whilst I was there, she started talking about my dad. She told me he deserved to be dead and that a box was the best place for him. She had no right to say what she did, he was my dad, she didn’t know him and therefore should have had no option about him. I lost my temper with her and picked her up and put her head through a wall. I got into serious trouble at school but I didn’t care. She deserved what she got and that’s why I did it. I know I could have handled this situation better but I was young, daft and upset.

I continued living with a temper. I didn’t open up for years about my dad and this did me no favours. My dad wouldn’t have liked to see me suffer, but I was putting myself through torture. I stopped eating for several months after as I wasn’t myself. My mind was somewhere else. I left primary school a mess. I was self harming on a daily basis and I pretty much wanted to die.

Starting secondary school sort of meant a new beginning. But for me it wasn’t a positive one. I misbehaved a lot to hide the fact I was suffering. This did nothing but gain me a bad reputation. When I was in third year the school found out about my self harm and I started to open up about things that made it start. Losing my dad was the main thing that made it start, but as things happened in my life I used it to deal with things. By the time I was confronted about it I had been self harming for six years. Basically I was suffering in silence for this time. No one knew about my scars and I was hoping no one would ever find out but if I hadn’t been confronted and faced my problem I would probably be dead.

Many of the scars I still have today and this is a constant memory of what I put myself through, but it is also a constant reminder of the hard work and determination I had to pull through. I have a scar that reads “let me break free” at the time I scared that into my skin I was thinking about dying and escaping all my problems. Ironically this is a reminder too. It’s something I tell people about because I did break free, free from self harm and the situation I was in.

Every anniversary of my dads death comes round and I deal with it in a different way. But some things will never change. I still have my moment with my dad and I still write him a letter. I also make a point of looking at my scars. These help me through the tough times as much as they remind me of the bad.

I miss my dad so much. He was not only my dad but my best friend. Everything I do in life is in the honour of my dad and I hope he looks down feeling proud of me. I’ve changed a lit since he passed and I’ve also had my fair share of the ups and downs but I can now say my life is somewhere I am happy with.

Today I was meant to get a tattoo done of my dad but unfortunately I could not get this. Some may say its a sign of my dad saying no as he hates tattoos but I will get it done hopefully on his birthday this year. So he will be there in the tough times smiling away at me.

Instead of my tattoo I just spent time thinking about my dad and the memories I have of him. I also wrote my letter and burnt it this may sound daft but I burn it so that I can see the smoke rise and this is like the letter being delivered to my dad. This is a very different way of coping to using self harm but it’s the replacement and it works a lot better.

It really doesn’t get any easier but there isn’t a day where I don’t think about my dad and I know he’s by my side guiding me through life. One day I will be reunited with my best friend but until then I will try my best to make him proud.

R.I.P Dad xxx